Wednesday, there was a motivational speaker. Zach mused that sleep would motivate him more, since his literature project was stealing his sleeping hours. Sitting on the bleachers listening to this idiot blathering away was stealing time that could be spent sleeping, and all Zach really cared about at this point was sleep. Besides, a motivational speaker was a joke when it was the school’s environment that caused the depression. Why fix the student when the depressive school environment caused the problems? Wouldn’t it make more sense, Zach mused, to fix the environment so students wouldn’t be depressed in the first place?
“Give it up for Phil White!”
The school had only agreed to host a motivational speaker after hearing that it could result in higher test scores. From his high seat on the bleachers, Zach regarded the short, chubby man at the center of the arena with evident disdain. He pulled in his legs and tried to fall asleep on his knees.
Beside him, Gentry sat wordlessly. They ignored each other. It was too late to move, and no amount of fighting would change that. Gentry didn’t mind the arrangement as much as Zach did, since Zach was the most amusing person he was forced to sit next to.
They both kept their heated vow of silence until Gentry whispered into his ear,“Why aren’t you sitting with your friends?”
“No room.” Came the sleepy reply, too tired to be adequately fuming.
“Hm.” Gentry was afraid to ask if they had gotten sick of his constant talking.
“You’re not sitting with the swim team.” Zach pointed out.
“Yeah. No room.”
Thousands of students were crowded into the blue-walled gym, crowding onto blue bleachers or sitting on the polished hardwood basketball floor. The blue doors were bolted, in case any students thought to make a run for freedom.
A tap on the mic drew the thousands of bored, restless eyes to the speaker, who was grinning madly as he spoke.
“Today I will tell you a very important thing. Questions are more important than answers.”
Zach, whose peaceful half-sleep had been disturbed, leaned to Gentry and asked in annoyance,”Why are we here?”
White’s bulging, baby blue eyes glazed, and his voice rose a pitch,“I remember when I was a little kid. And I wanted to build a snow tunnel. And I dug all the way to the ice, and I couldn’t get through. So…” his voice sped up as if he were auctioning off a cow,”I took a fire place poker. Now, you know you are grown up when you LISTEN, that’s right, LISTEN to that little voice in your head. But I was only seven, so I POKED the ice…!”
The entire room leaned in, save for those who were sleeping.
White’s voice dropped two pitches and slowed down “… And… then… I saw it. Crimson drops, dripping, no pouring, onto the snow like scarlet-colored rain. Crimson drops of BLOOD. I had just stabbed my little brother in the face.”
The room was silent, as Gentry forced himself to change his expression from a smile to a FROWN. Suddenly the howl of uproarious laughter rang through the gym, and all eyes fell on Zach, who was laughing so hard he nearly fell off the bleachers.
Soon enough there were a few chuckles, and White gave a cough of disapproval.
“Luckily he wasn’t dead. Anyway, I would like all of you to practice asking each other meaningful questions…”
It didn’t take long for every conversation to be sucked into a loud, growing buzz.
“If they really wanted to motivate us,” Gentry spoke up,”they would give us less homework and they would have teachers be forced to give each student one compliment a day.”
“And free milk and cookies.”
“Milk and cookies?” Gentry’s pensive stare encouraged Zach to continue.
“In Kindergarten,” Zach started in a voice deepened and softened by weariness,”everyone was happy. That’s why you never hear about kindergarten shootings. Teachers always gave you compliments; they could never tell you that you were lazy or inappropriate. People wanted to work because they knew they would get recognition. They would get a sticker, and everyone got a sticker at some point. If you think about it, awards are still just gold stickers on fancy paper, only now only a few “smarter” people get them. In kindergarten, even if you got into a fight, there was always naptime to think it over. And when you woke up, whether you were rich, poor, ugly, wrong, right, or stupid, you would have milk and cookies waiting for you.”
Monday, May 28, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Because You Suck: Chapter 2: Part 40
“Shut up, I love school.” Stated Casey,”You just have to know how to work it. Positive thinking. And good organizational skills, that kind of stuff--- the early bird catches the worm.”
“What about the early worm?” asked Zach, slouching back in his seat.
“Um what?” Casey fluttered his eyelashes in annoyance.
“Teachers give loads of homework to promote themselves. They don’t even grade it! Their aides do. Almost every authority figure talks down to us. They treat us like idiots, and expect us to swallow it. Then they have the nerve expect us to pay $10 for a dance ticket to support their self-serving programs. Positive thinking isn’t going to fix the homework load or the bureaucracy---”
“Uh-huh-uh-huh,” Casey cut in impatiently,”okay if I could date someone for the dance, it would be Sydney.”
Felix, a ghostly peroxide blond, spoke up,“Sydney? What the hell? He’s on the same team as that redhead… what’s-his-name…”
“Gentry.” Zach filled in flatly.
“Zach is on the same team, you know...” Casey explained with a broad grimace. Or grin. Zach wasn’t sure which was which. Casey’s face reminded him of a stretchy rubber mask, constantly changing expression.
Mikey rested his head on his knuckles,“Oh my God. Gentry is so ugly. I freaking hate him. He’s so freckled he’s almost freckle-colored. I have him in my lit class. I would never date a redhead, just because of the freckles.”
Zach wondered if a redhead would date Mikey. Zach wouldn’t.
Felix nodded,“Redheads are ugly. Their freckles look like someone flung shit at the screen door and it landed on their face.” The table laughed loudly, except for Zach, who watched them with crossed arms and critical eyes. He wondered if a different hair color and unfreckled skin make Gentry’s more glaring flaws any more desirable.
“What about the early worm?” asked Zach, slouching back in his seat.
“Um what?” Casey fluttered his eyelashes in annoyance.
“Teachers give loads of homework to promote themselves. They don’t even grade it! Their aides do. Almost every authority figure talks down to us. They treat us like idiots, and expect us to swallow it. Then they have the nerve expect us to pay $10 for a dance ticket to support their self-serving programs. Positive thinking isn’t going to fix the homework load or the bureaucracy---”
“Uh-huh-uh-huh,” Casey cut in impatiently,”okay if I could date someone for the dance, it would be Sydney.”
Felix, a ghostly peroxide blond, spoke up,“Sydney? What the hell? He’s on the same team as that redhead… what’s-his-name…”
“Gentry.” Zach filled in flatly.
“Zach is on the same team, you know...” Casey explained with a broad grimace. Or grin. Zach wasn’t sure which was which. Casey’s face reminded him of a stretchy rubber mask, constantly changing expression.
Mikey rested his head on his knuckles,“Oh my God. Gentry is so ugly. I freaking hate him. He’s so freckled he’s almost freckle-colored. I have him in my lit class. I would never date a redhead, just because of the freckles.”
Zach wondered if a redhead would date Mikey. Zach wouldn’t.
Felix nodded,“Redheads are ugly. Their freckles look like someone flung shit at the screen door and it landed on their face.” The table laughed loudly, except for Zach, who watched them with crossed arms and critical eyes. He wondered if a different hair color and unfreckled skin make Gentry’s more glaring flaws any more desirable.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Because You Suck: Chapter 2: Part 39
In my last post, the 'pube hair' insult is common to those of us with curly or 'big' hair. I have naturally curly hair. Although that insult's never been flung at me, I've heard people use it when referring to African Americans or white people who don't have stereotypically straight hair. It's also an issue in the gay community. The mainstream gay community promotes a narrow-minded white beauty ideal, which isolates gays who don't have white features. Keep your eyes on Casey in this scene ^_~.
Monday, Zach sauntered into the GSA room with lowered eyes, heading in his usual direction. The GSA meeting was cancelled, but some boys from the club stayed behind and chatted at the table. When he say them chatting amiably amongst themselves, he felt a flicker of jealousy spark up. At least in the bathroom, people just did their business and got out. There was no temptation to talk to anyone. But, sitting here by his lonesome just reminded him how lonely he was.
Zach anxiously took a deep breath, stood up, and walked towards their table.
But before he could take an empty seat, Casey blocked him and glared. The others looked up now, stopping their animated conversation.
Zach felt his heart sink.
He hadn’t noticed it before, but they were all white. It hadn’t bothered him more than it did now. Even with simpler clothes, he could never have that baby fine hair and pale skin. He felt like crawling back to his bathroom stall.
Zach was lost in his thoughts when suddenly Casey’s exclamation broke his concentration.
”Oh, so the homophobe wants to sit with us now? No. Go away, no one wants to hear you---”
“I’m not a homophobe.”
“Yes YOU are.” Casey spat,”And I hate prejudiced bigots. Now go away.”
“I’m not a homophobe. I’m gay.” Zach said defensively.
“Oh really.”
A boy named Mikey looked Zach over and spoke up,”Let him sit.”
Casey refused to move, and Mikey stated,”This gayness is a recent development. When did you come out?”
“Today.” Zach stalled,”But only in school. My parents don’t know.”
Casey’s features softened and his wisp rose in pitch,”Oh, really. Then sit down.” He slid on the bench and patted the seat beside him.
Zach eyed him warily and sat down with crossed arms. The other boys exchanged looks, then finally looked at Zach questioningly.
“Okay, okay,” Casey spoke up,”Who is everyone going to the dance with?”
“I never go to dances.” Zach spoke up,”I’m boycotting the school.”
“Um, whyyy?” Casey drawled.
“Because it’s oppressive bullshit.”
“Shut up, I love school.” Stated Casey,”You just have to know how to work it. Positive thinking. And good organizational skills, that kind of stuff--- the early bird catches the worm.”
“What about the early worm?” asked Zach, slouching back in his seat.
Monday, Zach sauntered into the GSA room with lowered eyes, heading in his usual direction. The GSA meeting was cancelled, but some boys from the club stayed behind and chatted at the table. When he say them chatting amiably amongst themselves, he felt a flicker of jealousy spark up. At least in the bathroom, people just did their business and got out. There was no temptation to talk to anyone. But, sitting here by his lonesome just reminded him how lonely he was.
Zach anxiously took a deep breath, stood up, and walked towards their table.
But before he could take an empty seat, Casey blocked him and glared. The others looked up now, stopping their animated conversation.
Zach felt his heart sink.
He hadn’t noticed it before, but they were all white. It hadn’t bothered him more than it did now. Even with simpler clothes, he could never have that baby fine hair and pale skin. He felt like crawling back to his bathroom stall.
Zach was lost in his thoughts when suddenly Casey’s exclamation broke his concentration.
”Oh, so the homophobe wants to sit with us now? No. Go away, no one wants to hear you---”
“I’m not a homophobe.”
“Yes YOU are.” Casey spat,”And I hate prejudiced bigots. Now go away.”
“I’m not a homophobe. I’m gay.” Zach said defensively.
“Oh really.”
A boy named Mikey looked Zach over and spoke up,”Let him sit.”
Casey refused to move, and Mikey stated,”This gayness is a recent development. When did you come out?”
“Today.” Zach stalled,”But only in school. My parents don’t know.”
Casey’s features softened and his wisp rose in pitch,”Oh, really. Then sit down.” He slid on the bench and patted the seat beside him.
Zach eyed him warily and sat down with crossed arms. The other boys exchanged looks, then finally looked at Zach questioningly.
“Okay, okay,” Casey spoke up,”Who is everyone going to the dance with?”
“I never go to dances.” Zach spoke up,”I’m boycotting the school.”
“Um, whyyy?” Casey drawled.
“Because it’s oppressive bullshit.”
“Shut up, I love school.” Stated Casey,”You just have to know how to work it. Positive thinking. And good organizational skills, that kind of stuff--- the early bird catches the worm.”
“What about the early worm?” asked Zach, slouching back in his seat.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Because You Suck: Chapter 2: Part 38
Casey clasped his hands together and opened his room door for Gentry,“OH my GOD Gentry thank you SO much for helping me with my essay.”
Gentry looked up at Casey as he passed,”Yeah. No problem.”
“I don’t know how to write essays.”
“You don’t know how to write in general. Your literature skills are so dismal I had to write your college application for you.” Gentry murmured under his breath, then spoke up to say,” this paper is supposed to interpret how the narrative pace and diction in Act I of Hamlet contributes to the character of the ghost?”
“Yeah.” Casey flushed in annoyance as his cellphone rang,”One minute.”
Gentry took a seat in front of Casey’s laptop, starting to type as Casey talked. He couldn’t help but marvel at how deceiving appearances were: he, an athlete, was doing homework for a self-proclaimed prep and honor student.
”Um, HI Mikey. Oh, sorry, I can’t watch a movie. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. I’m studying with… yeah. Ok. Bye now.”
Gentry’s eyes were fixed on Casey, their hawklike gaze betraying his thoughts. A question gnawed at his mind, but he didn’t vocalize it. Casey went to the kitchen to get some food, returning with a handful of candy bars and eating them as he slowly flipped through a magazine. Gentry stopped typing suddenly and leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms.
“Why didn’t you mention my name over the phone?” he demanded.
“Uhh…” Casy turned to him,”I don’t know?”
“You damn well know.”
Casey looked away,”Sorry… are you offended by it?”
“You think? Wouldn’t you be offended if I ignored you and didn’t want to be associated with you?”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re friends with a homophobe, and---“
“Leave Zach out of this. He’s not an excuse for your actions.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, the paper is done.” Gentry stood up.
Casey’s face brightened,”Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh my GOD Gentry, thank you SO much.”
Gentry moved to leave, but Casey chirped,”Hold up. You have the hots for Zach, don’t you?”
For a moment Gentry saw a flicker of something familiar. Something reminding him of how Casey used to be.
“Hots?” The redhead grinned ruefully,“I want to fuck him until he can’t walk. Yeah, I like him. A lot.”
Casey laughed,”I didn’t think you liked black guys, Gentry. You keep surprising me.”
“Zach’s black?”
“Yeah. Black-something, the bone structure gives it away. But admittedly, he has good hair for a black guy. It’s a bit poofy, but at least it doesn’t look like there are pubes on his head; if you know what I mean.”
The grin faded from Gentry’s features,”I don’t care what he looks like.”
“What is this self-righteous attitude from you?” Casey laughed loudly,”Look, I don’t date black guys. It’s not a racist thing. I just don’t find them attractive and I don’t wanna date them. It’s a personal preference.”
Gentry was quiet for a moment, then said,“You keep surprising me, too, Casey.”
Gentry looked up at Casey as he passed,”Yeah. No problem.”
“I don’t know how to write essays.”
“You don’t know how to write in general. Your literature skills are so dismal I had to write your college application for you.” Gentry murmured under his breath, then spoke up to say,” this paper is supposed to interpret how the narrative pace and diction in Act I of Hamlet contributes to the character of the ghost?”
“Yeah.” Casey flushed in annoyance as his cellphone rang,”One minute.”
Gentry took a seat in front of Casey’s laptop, starting to type as Casey talked. He couldn’t help but marvel at how deceiving appearances were: he, an athlete, was doing homework for a self-proclaimed prep and honor student.
”Um, HI Mikey. Oh, sorry, I can’t watch a movie. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. I’m studying with… yeah. Ok. Bye now.”
Gentry’s eyes were fixed on Casey, their hawklike gaze betraying his thoughts. A question gnawed at his mind, but he didn’t vocalize it. Casey went to the kitchen to get some food, returning with a handful of candy bars and eating them as he slowly flipped through a magazine. Gentry stopped typing suddenly and leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms.
“Why didn’t you mention my name over the phone?” he demanded.
“Uhh…” Casy turned to him,”I don’t know?”
“You damn well know.”
Casey looked away,”Sorry… are you offended by it?”
“You think? Wouldn’t you be offended if I ignored you and didn’t want to be associated with you?”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re friends with a homophobe, and---“
“Leave Zach out of this. He’s not an excuse for your actions.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, the paper is done.” Gentry stood up.
Casey’s face brightened,”Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh my GOD Gentry, thank you SO much.”
Gentry moved to leave, but Casey chirped,”Hold up. You have the hots for Zach, don’t you?”
For a moment Gentry saw a flicker of something familiar. Something reminding him of how Casey used to be.
“Hots?” The redhead grinned ruefully,“I want to fuck him until he can’t walk. Yeah, I like him. A lot.”
Casey laughed,”I didn’t think you liked black guys, Gentry. You keep surprising me.”
“Zach’s black?”
“Yeah. Black-something, the bone structure gives it away. But admittedly, he has good hair for a black guy. It’s a bit poofy, but at least it doesn’t look like there are pubes on his head; if you know what I mean.”
The grin faded from Gentry’s features,”I don’t care what he looks like.”
“What is this self-righteous attitude from you?” Casey laughed loudly,”Look, I don’t date black guys. It’s not a racist thing. I just don’t find them attractive and I don’t wanna date them. It’s a personal preference.”
Gentry was quiet for a moment, then said,“You keep surprising me, too, Casey.”
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Because You Suck: Chapter 2: Part 37
Zach took to ignoring Gentry, and Gentry did the same. They passed each other in the halls and never exchanged looks. They shared a pool but never collided. They shared a class but sat on opposite sides of the room.
However, when school was over and the pool empty, the boundaries that separated them vanished.
Arms entangled and tongues fought.
Gentry had Zach pinned to that familiar blue tile wall. The smooth tiles pressed against his naked back, reminding him every so often where he was and what he was doing.
But then Gentry would flick his tongue into his mouth, and the locker room disappeared.
Zach couldn’t remember who made the first move, but he didn’t care to. Everyday he swore to himself that he would end it before Gentry did, but everyday he found himself back in the same place.
Gentry’s touches were quick, his hands curving around Zach’s dark shoulders and moving down the length of his spine. Zach arched his back in response, inhaling sharply and burying his fingers in the other’s silky red hair.
A sudden push pain made him cry out involuntarily. He remembered he hadn’t prepared himself that day, hoping this would discourage him from seeking solace in Gentry’s arms. But this proud resolution was easily forgotten at the slightest provocation…
”I… don’t wake up at the start of the day expecting to end up here.” He thought to himself. He couldn’t bear to say it, but Gentry already knew. Zach’s heart pounded knowing that, after this was over, he would feel sick to his stomach. An eternity passed before he warily opened his eyes.
What was Gentry waiting for? Why wasn’t he moving?
"You're tensed up,” Gentry glanced at him, his voice hushed in a soft murmur,”I can't even fit a finger in if you're like this."
"It's not just a finger."
"You're right." the redhead gave a soft laugh as he pulled Zach to his chest,"You're just all nerves, aren't you? Stop tensing... I’ll prepare you."
Zach bit his tongue to keep from crying out at every touch, every movement. Gentry’s hands were warm.
However, when school was over and the pool empty, the boundaries that separated them vanished.
Arms entangled and tongues fought.
Gentry had Zach pinned to that familiar blue tile wall. The smooth tiles pressed against his naked back, reminding him every so often where he was and what he was doing.
But then Gentry would flick his tongue into his mouth, and the locker room disappeared.
Zach couldn’t remember who made the first move, but he didn’t care to. Everyday he swore to himself that he would end it before Gentry did, but everyday he found himself back in the same place.
Gentry’s touches were quick, his hands curving around Zach’s dark shoulders and moving down the length of his spine. Zach arched his back in response, inhaling sharply and burying his fingers in the other’s silky red hair.
A sudden push pain made him cry out involuntarily. He remembered he hadn’t prepared himself that day, hoping this would discourage him from seeking solace in Gentry’s arms. But this proud resolution was easily forgotten at the slightest provocation…
”I… don’t wake up at the start of the day expecting to end up here.” He thought to himself. He couldn’t bear to say it, but Gentry already knew. Zach’s heart pounded knowing that, after this was over, he would feel sick to his stomach. An eternity passed before he warily opened his eyes.
What was Gentry waiting for? Why wasn’t he moving?
"You're tensed up,” Gentry glanced at him, his voice hushed in a soft murmur,”I can't even fit a finger in if you're like this."
"It's not just a finger."
"You're right." the redhead gave a soft laugh as he pulled Zach to his chest,"You're just all nerves, aren't you? Stop tensing... I’ll prepare you."
Zach bit his tongue to keep from crying out at every touch, every movement. Gentry’s hands were warm.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Because You Suck: Chapter 2: Part 36
Zach: the straights think he's gay and the gays think he's straight. In case you were wondering, Zach looks NOTHING like your typical Estonian (Estonians have light eyes, hair and skin. Like the Swedish.)
Zach found that eating in the bathroom was no longer an option. Ever since he had unceremoniously broken the stall door (twice!), the janitor was plotting to kill him. He would leer angrily whenever Zach stepped within one foot of the restroom. For social appearances, Zach found a group of people to sit with at the far end of the school, away from the comparatively civilized boundaries of the cafeteria.
To be honest, he didn’t really sit BY the Gay-Straight Allegiance. He sat a few tables away, by himself at the far end of the room. He attended the meetings in presence, and talked whenever he could. But he NEVER signed the sign-in sheet.
The Gay-Straight Allegiance mostly consisted of masculine girls and effeminate gay boys. It was also a unique assortment of jerks.
Zach had heard Gentry complain about them before.
But then again, Gentry hated everyone, including himself.
Zach knew he would need support if he wanted to ‘come out,’ so he dutifull attended the GSA meetings. He noticed with disdain that Casey was also a member. Casey noticed him in turn, but pretended not to. He just informed the others of a ‘homophobic presence.’
Zach opened his lunch and gawked down at the blood sausage, Verivorst. Good lord. He shut the lunch box in horror.
He specifically asked his parents not to pack any ‘weird’ food! Blood sausage was only a normal breakfast meal in Estonia, where people were crazy enough to eat stuffed swine intestines. Zach angrily put away his lunch and sighed. How could he come out when there was a dead pig in his lunch box? He didn’t even eat pork!
But that was how it always was. It was always Soul Food or some weird Estonian dish. Part of some liberal agreement between his well-meaning parents to ensure that he got ‘the best of both worlds.’ To be honest, he hated both worlds with a passionate fury. He didn’t want to be an Estonian-African-American-Homosexual.
As he sat in the corner, those thoughts circulated in his mind. Occasionally he listened into the on-going GSA conversation and tried to contribute, but the others just ignored him.
Finally he resorted to a gloomy silence.
Zach found that eating in the bathroom was no longer an option. Ever since he had unceremoniously broken the stall door (twice!), the janitor was plotting to kill him. He would leer angrily whenever Zach stepped within one foot of the restroom. For social appearances, Zach found a group of people to sit with at the far end of the school, away from the comparatively civilized boundaries of the cafeteria.
To be honest, he didn’t really sit BY the Gay-Straight Allegiance. He sat a few tables away, by himself at the far end of the room. He attended the meetings in presence, and talked whenever he could. But he NEVER signed the sign-in sheet.
The Gay-Straight Allegiance mostly consisted of masculine girls and effeminate gay boys. It was also a unique assortment of jerks.
Zach had heard Gentry complain about them before.
But then again, Gentry hated everyone, including himself.
Zach knew he would need support if he wanted to ‘come out,’ so he dutifull attended the GSA meetings. He noticed with disdain that Casey was also a member. Casey noticed him in turn, but pretended not to. He just informed the others of a ‘homophobic presence.’
Zach opened his lunch and gawked down at the blood sausage, Verivorst. Good lord. He shut the lunch box in horror.
He specifically asked his parents not to pack any ‘weird’ food! Blood sausage was only a normal breakfast meal in Estonia, where people were crazy enough to eat stuffed swine intestines. Zach angrily put away his lunch and sighed. How could he come out when there was a dead pig in his lunch box? He didn’t even eat pork!
But that was how it always was. It was always Soul Food or some weird Estonian dish. Part of some liberal agreement between his well-meaning parents to ensure that he got ‘the best of both worlds.’ To be honest, he hated both worlds with a passionate fury. He didn’t want to be an Estonian-African-American-Homosexual.
As he sat in the corner, those thoughts circulated in his mind. Occasionally he listened into the on-going GSA conversation and tried to contribute, but the others just ignored him.
Finally he resorted to a gloomy silence.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Because You Suck: Chapter 2: Part 35
Gentry has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) among other issues (which I won't go into yet ^^!) This chapter is done in a different style to get into his mind.
There was no way Zach could understand.
Gentry hated the whole culture of ‘coming out.’ He hated the rainbow parades. He hated the gay best friend, the gay best man and he even hated that damn Harvey Milk for getting his damn ass shot.
Being gay was nothing to be proud of. It was nature.
No one celebrated being straight, what made being gay different? That straight people hated you and wanted to send you to therapy?
It was infuriating.
Gentry had lost his Southern accent along with his Alabama home, but it still rang through his mind like an angry church bells. He hadn’t been able to control that or any of his thoughts since that night. But he could control his body. That was his.
Each note in his voice, each strand of faded red hair, each freckle on his face… was his. His love was his own, and no one had the right to question it.
His body was his.
And if anyone tried to violate it again, he would beat them senseless.
How could Zach understand this?
Being gay was nothing to be proud of. It was a source of misery in his life, but it was his misery. His fault, and nothing to be proud of.
Gentry’s mouth was his, and he used it to keep his thoughts unspoken. They were horrible, but they stormed at him like a raging bull, taunting him in every conscious and subconscious moment. Rape, murder, death. Hanging himself, hanging a baby. Stomping someone to death, kicking them until they coughed blood. Yelling so loudly that people stopped to stare, yelling so loudly they would have to take him away.
Quiet. Now he was quiet. That was his.
These thoughts worried him. They made him avoid the tile by the trashcan and scrub his hands until the skin peeled. But these thoughts were his, too. There was no way Zach could know them, and there was no way Gentry would let him know them. But he knew if he chose to, Zach would understand. Zach accepted him, and didn’t expect anything in return.
Maybe, just maybe, Zach even loved him.
The thought of it filled Gentry with a quiet contentment, and for a moment the bull was quiet and the storm was still.
There was no way Zach could understand.
Gentry hated the whole culture of ‘coming out.’ He hated the rainbow parades. He hated the gay best friend, the gay best man and he even hated that damn Harvey Milk for getting his damn ass shot.
Being gay was nothing to be proud of. It was nature.
No one celebrated being straight, what made being gay different? That straight people hated you and wanted to send you to therapy?
It was infuriating.
Gentry had lost his Southern accent along with his Alabama home, but it still rang through his mind like an angry church bells. He hadn’t been able to control that or any of his thoughts since that night. But he could control his body. That was his.
Each note in his voice, each strand of faded red hair, each freckle on his face… was his. His love was his own, and no one had the right to question it.
His body was his.
And if anyone tried to violate it again, he would beat them senseless.
How could Zach understand this?
Being gay was nothing to be proud of. It was a source of misery in his life, but it was his misery. His fault, and nothing to be proud of.
Gentry’s mouth was his, and he used it to keep his thoughts unspoken. They were horrible, but they stormed at him like a raging bull, taunting him in every conscious and subconscious moment. Rape, murder, death. Hanging himself, hanging a baby. Stomping someone to death, kicking them until they coughed blood. Yelling so loudly that people stopped to stare, yelling so loudly they would have to take him away.
Quiet. Now he was quiet. That was his.
These thoughts worried him. They made him avoid the tile by the trashcan and scrub his hands until the skin peeled. But these thoughts were his, too. There was no way Zach could know them, and there was no way Gentry would let him know them. But he knew if he chose to, Zach would understand. Zach accepted him, and didn’t expect anything in return.
Maybe, just maybe, Zach even loved him.
The thought of it filled Gentry with a quiet contentment, and for a moment the bull was quiet and the storm was still.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Because You Suck: Chapter 2: Part 34
This is listed as part 34 because the other part 34 was actually part 33. I just messed up on number order XD. This part might be offensive for some, but 'Because You Suck' story isn't homophobic. This part reflects the views of a character, not the author (if I was a homophobe, I wouldn't write a story about two boys in love XD!) It should be noted that Gentry has freckles:
Zach was absolutely out of his mind, and spoke in a hushed tone.
“Gentry.”
“Zach?” Gentry’s sounded annoyed,”Is that you?”
“Yeah. Listen, Gentry, my parents are starting to suspect something.” He fidgeted, shaking slightly.
“This is a bad time.”
“I need you now. This is important.”
“I don’t need your emotional garbage. If you’re going to be a flaming sissy, fuck off.”
Zach’s narrowed,“I am not a flaming sissy. I love my parents, I don’t want to hurt them.”
“Then don’t. Save it for when you get married, and write ‘ps: I’m gay’ on the invites.”
Zach fumed,”Stop being an asshole.”
“I’m not an asshole. This is just a bad time to call. If you don’t hang up , I will.”
“It’s always a bad time. I don’t exist to fit into your schedule. Whatever you’re doing now--- it can wait. This affects both of us… I don’t want to hurt my parents, but I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“What do you mean both of us? All we do is meet for an occasional fuck. Since when are we a couple?”
“I know damn well we aren’t a couple.” Zach’s voice was tinged with bitterness,”But I still don’t want to hurt you.”
“What is all this bullshit about hurting anyone? I thought you accepted your gayness.”
“I do. I just don’t want to hurt my parents. I mean, they are pro-gay… but only as long as I’m not gay.” He paused,”I AM gay and proud… I just don’t think my parents will be proud to have a gay son.”
“Of course they won’t be proud of you. Being gay isn’t anything to be proud of. It’s a fact of life, like freckles. And no one wants freckles.”
“Freckles are more socially accepted than we are.”
Gentry laughed hatefully,”What do you know about being accepted? You don’t have friends to lose. In fact, coming out might GET you friends. Christ’s sake, Zach.”
Zach sat up and retorted,” Just because my life isn’t as fucked up as yours doesn’t mean my problems don’t matter.”
“Zach.” Gentry paused, then said in a low voice,“… This is a bad time to give me your emotional bullshit. I don’t want to hear it.”
“It’s always a bad time.” Zach spat angrily,”You’re either horny as hell or you ignore me. And then you give me crap about YOUR problems? Sorry your life sucks.”
“I’m sorry YOU suck.” Gentry hung up angrily.
Zach was absolutely out of his mind, and spoke in a hushed tone.
“Gentry.”
“Zach?” Gentry’s sounded annoyed,”Is that you?”
“Yeah. Listen, Gentry, my parents are starting to suspect something.” He fidgeted, shaking slightly.
“This is a bad time.”
“I need you now. This is important.”
“I don’t need your emotional garbage. If you’re going to be a flaming sissy, fuck off.”
Zach’s narrowed,“I am not a flaming sissy. I love my parents, I don’t want to hurt them.”
“Then don’t. Save it for when you get married, and write ‘ps: I’m gay’ on the invites.”
Zach fumed,”Stop being an asshole.”
“I’m not an asshole. This is just a bad time to call. If you don’t hang up , I will.”
“It’s always a bad time. I don’t exist to fit into your schedule. Whatever you’re doing now--- it can wait. This affects both of us… I don’t want to hurt my parents, but I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“What do you mean both of us? All we do is meet for an occasional fuck. Since when are we a couple?”
“I know damn well we aren’t a couple.” Zach’s voice was tinged with bitterness,”But I still don’t want to hurt you.”
“What is all this bullshit about hurting anyone? I thought you accepted your gayness.”
“I do. I just don’t want to hurt my parents. I mean, they are pro-gay… but only as long as I’m not gay.” He paused,”I AM gay and proud… I just don’t think my parents will be proud to have a gay son.”
“Of course they won’t be proud of you. Being gay isn’t anything to be proud of. It’s a fact of life, like freckles. And no one wants freckles.”
“Freckles are more socially accepted than we are.”
Gentry laughed hatefully,”What do you know about being accepted? You don’t have friends to lose. In fact, coming out might GET you friends. Christ’s sake, Zach.”
Zach sat up and retorted,” Just because my life isn’t as fucked up as yours doesn’t mean my problems don’t matter.”
“Zach.” Gentry paused, then said in a low voice,“… This is a bad time to give me your emotional bullshit. I don’t want to hear it.”
“It’s always a bad time.” Zach spat angrily,”You’re either horny as hell or you ignore me. And then you give me crap about YOUR problems? Sorry your life sucks.”
“I’m sorry YOU suck.” Gentry hung up angrily.
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